Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I touched a dick in church today
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
