I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
