i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
