ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he fucked my hip out of place.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
