saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
