I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
