I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
