I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
