Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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