Can Purell be used as lube?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
