You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
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