She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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