Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
