just come out here and I will go home with you...
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
