There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
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Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
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blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize