The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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