I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
this just has baby written all over it
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
