im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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