I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
