you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
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