Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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