If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
