I want to have your abortion
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
