I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
