i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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