I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
