i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
