I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
