If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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