accomplished twins. life is a go
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
