Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
