So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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