So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
