I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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