As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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