My cat gives me a boner
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
