im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
