I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
