Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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