she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
