I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
