Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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