just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
