No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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