Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
