I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
