I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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