Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
