Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
