She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
