Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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