Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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