my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize
