we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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