Already got asked if we're dating
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
