if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
