I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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